Hi World, Big topic that often crosses my mind, a predicament that I often have found myself in, as do many thousands of you. When a victim turns survivor becomes victim once again. How is that so? well in a sense it just is and it has the ability to just happen and spiral out of our control at times. You don't speak up, Your weak or the problem must not be that bad, You speak up, your mean, you took to long, your causing hurt and pain to your abuser and the family. Is their a situation where you can even win this battle? Yes there is but you don't win this battle with people who haven't the education enough to know any better, you win the battle within yourself, eventually.
I've been tormented with this particular scenario for years now, even if I had never been abused my belief would still be the same. I'm strong minded and carry my own values and beliefs despite all those who have tried to control me. I personally have always found it very odd how in my case people turn around and treat me as if I never called for help. I used to feel very angry, low, sad, worthless and extremely confused however now I stand reassured in myself, I know I spoke up many times. Do I think that matters? No I do not, I know most victims and survivors do not speak up about their sexual abuse for decades, often 30-40 years pass before the pain of self destruction bursts and it all comes pouring out.
About a month ago I was listening to the Ray Hadley show, My husband came home and told me he heard something on the radio and wanted me to listen to it. My heart broke, an 80 year old man was speaking of his abuse for the first time and he was restricted to tears. Nobody knows what it really truly feels like unless they live through it but we are so blessed to have supporters out there who do know how to place themselves in our shoes, Not everyone in the world in uneducated about this topic. This man was not on the Ray Hadley show but it was a cruel setting where this man called another station and his story did not receive the right compassion and Ray Hadley decided to air it.
What I would like to say is, For a long time I let my family drag me down, I watch people who were meant to support me constantly pass judgment on me and time and time again they threw me back to victim mode. They have tried time and time again to make me feel bad for something that should have never happened to me, ME, feel bad for a crime that was committed to me? I'm not harming anybody so I have nothing to be ashamed about, even if I was seeking Justice I would still not deserve to be called the words means and be told that I am hurting the abuser, nobody thought of me, everybody had years and years to stop what was happening to me. I don't deserve to be put down, manipulated or name called and the same goes for you.
It's not easy when YOU the victim becomes survivor but people try place you back to Victim mode. It took me longer to fight off all these hurtful words from people that it did to fight off the abuser. The most damage that was ever caused to me was watching how many people didn't care so when you watch people treat you badly you start to lose yourself. The best thing to do is STOP WATCHING, Stop listening, Walk away, Heal yourself. They are uneducated in the matter and in life, NOT YOU.
Hi World, I was just out exploring nature and as I usually do I was snapping away taking artistic photos, capturing moments in time otherwise lost is how I like to describe it, I really cant remember a life when art didn't live in my veins. At the age of 12 I knew how to sew and enjoyed it, I also started writing at this age, poems and songs. At the age of 14 I was working with Fashion designers, I was very timid, shy and lacked the belief in myself to show them my talents, all because of what was happening at home, However at home and at school it was a different story. At home i would spend nights designing clothes, drawing, sewing, I designed my bestfriends formal dress . At school all my designs and sewing skills didn't go unnoticed and i always got high marks, other students would look up to me in class.
Besides fashion, writing and photography interior design was another one of my fortes, I left school in year ten to pursue my talents in art however my parents thought that art was simply the dumbest thing ever known, I had to be an office chick and that was it. I started an interior design course when I was about 18 years old and after I aced my first exam I quit. I always quit because I always wanted to make my parents happy but I was struggling between who I was and who I was born to be and verses how controlled and manipulated my mind really was and who my parents wanted me to be.
The fact is I always knew I was destined for greatness but in a sense I know the sexual, physical and verbal abuse clouded my process. i also went through stages where I couldn't pick which talent I wanted to pursue and yet in my family they believe I have no talent, it's rather sad but the truth is, I no longer need their approval.
The truth is I was born an artist, I didn't become one and that's the truth about artists. You cant teach true art, you live and breath it or you don't. Nobody in my family ever believed in me, they even laugh when I take photo's and they say I'm obsessed instead of taking note of my creativeness, they try belittle me with such meaness. I say, hurt people, hurt people, that's the sad cycle.
I see art in everything, in every flower, tree, food, leaf, person, sky, road, sunset, beach, animal, style, Music, era, county, culture, In everything. I paint, I write poems, I write songs, I write books, I take photos, I cook, I design, people walk in my home and walk back out asking me to design their home, you know what that says to me?
DEAR PARENTS: YOU WERE DEAD SET WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
Here is a Poem I wrote a few days ago, I guess it's a bit of a deconstructed poem/ conversation, half directed at the colder people of the world and then mid way it switches to talking to myself and other survivors out there. I just wanna say big Thank You to all the supporter on my page, the world as I ( and so many survivors and victims) know it, is filled with many people who turn a blind eye so seeing supporters on here is magical to us. Thank You again. ... TITLE: Now Open Your Eyes By: Isabella Grand We waste time by acting Acting a fool, cruel The world’s to blind to see But they the reason we be, cruel Children crying, dying Populations of suicide on the rise But yeah we close our eyes It’s to cold outside Reality beats, heart beats, skip The truth too hard to see So close your eyes Don’t deal, just hide The price we pay for is life Respect lost, given up at any cost We care more about objects Money, cars, or being a boss Mummy, daddy, aunties, uncles The world on T.v If it where really We would live freely -------------------------> ((To the Survivor)) Now open your eyes Thirty years have gone by You watched as these people Put poise in you life ‘ Poison How many tears did you cry? The rivers and oceans got nothing Its time, a shift is in rise, Take off the mask Stop the pretending Stop saying ‘ok’ Stop inventing they love you Stop the fake they portray Now close your eyes Wake up, its all gone You were the only one Who closed them to be strong Whilst most of the world cold Close their eyes to not see You only closed your eyes when you were praying to thee Our father, above Today wasn’t that great But thank you for life And the lessons that lay I know on my journey You will send me non Non of what I cant handle But all, overcome If I get tired, angry or scared I promise I wont give up Grand will be there.
Without failure, trials and lessons, Success is not guaranteed. With Lessons from failures and trials, Success is almost always guaranteed. When you know what it takes to get somewhere and you still take the road to get there, roaring that you will face all the challenges head on like you always do, THEN and only then do you become an unbeatable force. I Love it "unbeatable force" ... Words By: Isabella Grand
Today I wanna talk about my mother although I sometimes have trouble calling her a mother and sometimes I'm more able to. As usual tis is always me in the Raw and Real with my Supporters.
I know that she is a mother and I have always tried to read between the lines, see through the cracks, look behind what's visible and put myself in her shoes, I doubt however, that she has ever done the same for me. Growing up I was always the mother figure, sadly that role extended far beyond my wildest nightmares but this is a part of my story. We never hugged or said 'I love you', waking up in the. Morning always consisted of screaming and swearing & lunch boxes were never made. We would catch a glimpse of each other walking down the stairs & it always was a gamble "am I going to get hit across the head or not" kind of gamble.
Most days I didn't go to school, I stayed home to clean & cook but I think god still gave me the gift of writing & art. My mother had no idea of my first abuse and first abuser, how could she, she was either not around or didn't pay much attention. I was really young when I knew a lot about sexual moves and stuff. By the age of ten, my mother caught my second abuser on the FIRST night that I was ever abused. She yelled and screamed but she was yelling and screaming for the man to remain in her life. That night I was 10, my mother never asked me anything about it nor did she remove me from the situation. Few months went past & the abuser noticed he got a free pass, so he started abusing me again and again and again. Another family member saw the abuse but they were younger than me so the abuse continued.
By the time I was 12 years old, I reached out for help once again, this time I spoke with two other family members. They turned a blind eye and never again asked me if I was ok nor did they confront my abuser. The abuse went on. During this time, I entered high school and I always had a smile on my face to mask the terror I was going through inside.
The next time I spoke up I was 15 yrs old, I was desperate for the abuse to stop. Both my mother and the abuser would also physically and verbally abuse me, I felt like there was no way out. I wanted to run away but instead I called for help again. This time I got taken seriously only as the person I told went to confront my mother about it, my mother said I was lying. With my head down, I was so ashamed and broken at that moment I knew I could never forgive my mother. She let all these years of trauma happen to me & I haven't even told you of all the abuse she herself casted on me. The terrible physical and verbal abuse. The abuse continued, mother was hardly ever home, she worked nights. She would lock me in the house, lock doors and windows, sometimes I was smart enough to get spare keys ready but sometimes not.
In 2006 I first spoke of abuser number one. Go figure that the first person I told was abuser number 2. His response made me so sick, he ( abuser no#2 ) said that he knew that I was being abused by abuser no#1 or at least he thought so. That was like a kick to the stomach to me and I had been kicked in the stomach and bruised head to toe many times by abuser no#2. I then got married and that's when all the abuse aftermath came flowing out, I wasn't that bad considering but my trust in men or the world was shocking. I was filled with fear and lacked understanding on a lot of things, I didn't have the skills to live my best life, I was drowning, holding on my a tiny thread.
My marriage was on the rocks, my husband had Asperges & it's funny because its the reason I felt safe with him yet later on my mother insisted in saying that my husband was super quiet because I forced him to be that way. I was so brain washed, and so controlled that I would yell at my husband every day for him to talk more and be loud. He couldn't do it, the Asperges makes him this quiet gentle soul and yet my mother insisted I was crazy & made him not communicate.
We eventually got so tired, tired of not understanding myself, not understanding what my emotions where towards everyone. My husband was having trouble understanding why I was at my abusers beck n call. I was so controlled but I was so innocent and pure. In my heart I honestly cared for everyone and I think I believed that it was all a bad dream and would go away. Mother and I have never really gotten along until a few years ago when I took a fall, I was at rock bottom and I gave myself two options. LIVE OR DIE. live meaning reprogram everything about the world u know and face all the monsters and delete the abusers Or Die, jump off and end it now (and I had already had an almost successful suicide attempt before & yes my mother was the instigator) . And you know what..? This is why I tell people this isn't an option, Suicide is NOT an option, If I had chosen this. Look at the woman I wouldn't be today. And I was right there at the bottom. Now I RISE.
My mother has put me through so much hell, she has been best friends with my abusers and never stopped. When abuser no#1 killed himself she accused me, she blamed me. As a mother that has to be one of the worst things you can say to a daughter. She is an abuse victim herself or so she says, she lies a lot but I have always chosen to believe her and I have tried to find a way to forgive her actions & understand. I've always been there to help, every operation, after every overdose, every everything.
Every birthday, every Christmas, she has never bought me a gift, not a flower, not a card, not for as long as I can remember, yet she will buys a zillion presents for other people. I'm never one to want anything, I know what's its like to have and not have but it always hurts when I see her give gifts to others and I think, why doesn't she think of me?
She, even until today belittles me for speaking up, she says her abuse happened 40 years ago, she speaks of it so often and remains a victim from what I can see. Yet she, even today has tried to make me feel bad for speaking up after 25 years was her txt to me 25 yrs? How can that be, I am only 31 & who cares how long it takes me or others to speak up. In actual fact the first time I spoke up I was 12 years old .and she was well aware I spoke up heaps of times and SHE was the one who stopped the help from coming. Mother also tries to make me feel bad for the abuser, Yet not once have I named and shamed him. This is my help journey and I am so much better than that. I don't tear people down like they do. I realised I always thought I had to be there for my mother. In a perfect world, when I close my eyes. When I open my eyes I see that there can never be full forgiveness if I hang around because she will always say something hurtful, she will always show that her loyalty lies somewhere else. This is one of those times where to set myself free, yourself free..you have to forgive and walk away no matter how much it hurts. You cant be around people who don't believe in you and you cant let people drag you down. A true mother would not do what was done to me and the quicker I let go of this dream that just wont ever be..the sooner I will be FREE. And that's just the tip of the ice berg
So this topic is MASSIVE, It's massive to me and it's massive to billions of you, The truth is, the REAL truth is, depression scares me, outright, here I am being 200% raw , my biggest fear in life is that I will fail to find some kind of way to help people beat their depression. Depression is the no#1 leading cause of suicides, stems from abuse of many forms including child abuse and rape but really depression can form at any given time and still be a tragedy to the person and families.
I have seen first hand countless suicide attempts and depression take it's toll on way to many people whom I care about, it's no secret that I travelled down that road myself and my heart breaks at how many billions of people worldwide are not getting the proper help needed. Let me tell you about a suicide attempt that I witnessed , let me paint you the scenarios that to many of you know to well.
A major suicide attempt was made, 5th time or 15th time the count is lost, woman in her 40's almost dies, she vomits in her lungs, she doesn't wake up properly for a few days, tubes down her throat and doctors say the woman may not make it through the night. That woman is my mother and I am watching the whole thing once again, she has pulled through every other time so I just assume this time will be no different., luckily, I was right. I was much younger so only now do I look back and think of all this and have alarm bells going off in my head. a few weeks in a ward, a referral to see a psychologist, a follow up call set up and she is sent home.
The follow up calls where never once received, psychologist sessions were to far apart to help how far gone mother was and to be honest I don't think anyone at home knew how to handle the situation at all. I think it becomes to hard to handle that your so glad when it's over yet another episode is slowly creeping up without much notice.
I really feel sad and sorry for those suffering from depression and I feel just as sad and sorry for the families, the fear you live in knowing someone you care for and love lives with this killer illness is so terrible and I am so sorry that you have to live with that fear. Nobody ever really says sorry to the families before a tragedy and we are here to avoid tragedies. I have been depressed, I know how it feels, It may be because of my being on the other side and seeing how hurt I was by seeing my mother in pain that made me push myself out of my depression. I never want to hurt someone in that way or make them feel that fear, which is in no means what any depressed person is trying to do to you but like I said I just happen to know what both sides feels like and it made me push harder to get out.
I will fight for everyone who is depressed, the same way I have been fighting for my mother and lord knows our relationship hasn't always been on good term, no matter the terms, I hate depression very seriously. The same things I tell her, I will tell you and believe me I speak survival to her and I will speak survival to you. Some people tell me that you cant talk anyone out of depression, I know that is true in many cases which I will go in to but I also know there is a lot of people you CAN talk out of depression or at least save and preserve their life. I believe in what I have to offer and I wont back down, I am living proof that it is all POSSIBLE.
On the other hand I am very aware that some causes of depression lie a lot deeper, chemical imbalances, hormone imbalances, childhood traumas that have affected the brain, genetics and also medical illness. Everything needs to be taken into account when treating depression.
Together, we are going to find all ways to fight this.
Today I ponder on the world of trust after child sexual abuse, Trust after Betrayal. I think most people can relate to some sort of trust issues, wether it be from a lack of trust in a relationship gone wrong or a work colleague that was mighty sneaky. Point being, everybody faces the world of mistrust but there is something different about the broken trust linked to abuse. I am not only a Survivor of Sexual abuse, but also physical, verbal and emotional abuse which is sadly very common for most victims and survivors. when they say things come in bundles,, it's usually true, In this case too true.
There is a lot of betrayal that goes on in the life of an abuse victim, dare I say that this is the action towards them, towards us that leave the deepest of scars. This is the one form of altered perception that alters TRUST and life with a deep lack of trust in the world, becomes a hard place for the abused to live in. This perception ruins relationships, the abused goes on to being an adult who is always watching behind their shoulder ( so to speak ). The abused will try foresee problems even if they may never arise, and may try avoid scenarios just because they believe they cannot cope. They may be anxious, paranoid, feel the need to get constant reassurance that their relationship is ok, all this because they feel unsafe and lack the ability to trust.
Sadly, in most cases, even in my own case ( although my trust in the world wasn't completely gone) it takes a failure, breakup or life changing event for an abused survivor to come face to face with reality and accept that some major mind reprogramming needs to take place. Sounds a bit odd put that way but when I faced the troubles in my world, this is what helped me. I don't see myself as a robot, no way, I am 100 real and human, but I believe in the power of mind as much as I believe in the power of will and heart. The minute I told myself I had to take out all the negative, terrible, ugly thoughts that people planted in my head since I was a child and replace them with healthy thoughts. Wow, I realised we as humans are so powerful to change our lives and able to undo some heavy damage, even if it will never be all.
I still ask, will I ever be whole? and I still don't know if anybody in the world is ever whole? maybe one day I will have the answer. I also know, power of mind isn't for everyone but I believe power of mind is a great start especially for trust, this your biggest battle.
I believe you can TRUST in the world because you can TRUST in yourself and you can be good to you.