SURVIVAL STORIES
I AM PROUD TO TELL YOU THAT EVERY STORY
ON THIS PAGE IS BOTH
INSPIRING AND COURAGEOUS
THE PAST TO PRESENT
MICHAEL WALL
AGE: 38
USA, Oklahoma
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Hello my name is Michael. I am a child sexual abuse survivor. My story begins when I was 7. My parents were divorcing and separated. I lived with my mother in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. My dad moved in with my uncle and his wife. Every other weekend my sister and I would go spend the weekend with my dad. At first everything was fine we had a lot of fun there. My aunt and uncle had one son still living at home he was 16. My uncle adopted him when he married his wife. This 16 year old boy was my abuser. My dad had lived there about two months when the abuse started. One night my abuser decided to not sleep in his bed. After I fell asleep he got down in the floor where I was sleeping. I woke up to him touching me and masturbating. At first I didn't know what to do. I acted like I was asleep. It scared me. This happened several times during the weekend. He would touch me or tell me to look and when I turned around he would have his penis out. One day he took me up to this makeshift like treehouse. Basically a ladder up to a wooden platform in a tree. I don't remember walls. It was here that he performed oral sex on me. I resisted and told him I wanted to get down and he started acting as though he would push me off of there. It was pretty high up and I felt as though he would hurt me badly or kill me. I decided then that I would let him do whatever he wanted to me. That day he performed oral sex on me and forced himself into my mouth. On one weekend I told my dad that I wanted to sleep in the room with him and he said sure son make you a pallet on the floor or you can have the bed if you want. I chose the floor. It was such a relief to sleep all night and not be touched. The next day my abuser made it very clear to me that he decides when and where I sleep. He was very pissed off that I had slept in my dads room. My dad and uncle was outside working and my aunt was gone. He took me into his bedroom and raped me orally until he ejaculated in my mouth. He threatened me that if I told that he would "fuck me with one of his knives". I was completely terrified. That night I slept in the room with my abuser no questions asked. That night he raped me orally again with his penis and raped me anally with a drumstick and his fingers. I knew them my hell had just begun. Eventually my dad moved out never having a clue as to what was happening in the room next to his. Almost every time we went to visit which was often my abuser was extra happy to see me. Almost every time I left there with another click on my abuse counter. In some way or another I was abused when with him. All the way up into my adolescence. I finally was big enough to say this will not happen. I told him I'm too big for that and "we will tear this fucking house down before you touch me again". It took years to realize it wasn't my fault. As a child I was mischievous doing little things for attention. Acting out stealing money from mom and dad. As a teen I became bitter and rebellious. I started running around with gang members, drinking and doing drugs. As an adult I hated homosexual men and myself because I felt what he did to me made me gay. When I lost my virginity at 16 to a woman in her 30's I started having sex with any woman that would give it to me. I didn't give a care what they looked like or who they were involved with as long as it was consensual. I would date them and dump them. I would treat them like dogs. Have sex with more than one or two in a day or even at the same time for one purpose only and that was to say look you have sex with women you're not gay. To me I was proving to myself and everyone around me that I wasn't a homosexual. It wasn't the women I slept with that made me heterosexual it was the fact that I have no attraction to men that made me heterosexual. I am now 38 years old and up until 6 years ago nobody really knew my story. I found someone that really made me comfortable and I opened up to her and told her everything. I just told my parents within the last 6 months. My healing has begun. My freedom is here!!!! Last Friday evening I stood in front of an audience and told my story and watched a wall crumble inside of me. Another step to freedom!!!!!!! I owe my best friend my life because of her continuous support and love. If it weren't for her I would not be where I am today with my secrets and I would be still haunted in my sleep by the demons. 2 months ago I joined the Save Our Youth foundation and it is one of the best things to ever happen to me in life. I was drawn to them and when I told my story they were drawn to me. It's a bond that will never be broken. I can not thank our founder Lavelle Harris enough for bringing me into the organization. With the Save Our Youth foundation we are at war with child sexual abuse. We spread the message that this subject can not be pushed under the rug anymore. We educate the community about what to look for and steps to take to prevent their children from being abused. We support the victims and provide anything we can to help them heal. We advocate for victims. We will speak out for them if they can't speak for themselves. We have attended funerals of children that have died from being raped and beaten. We show our faces in the courtroom so the monsters that have done this can see that there is a support system behind the family!!!!! We stand strong and fight until every child is protected from these maniacs. We want to see SOY be worldwide and see our message in every nation every state every province. Isabella has done a wonderful job at making our message and our name go international. Thank you. You are just wonderful!!!! I strongly urge everyone to help out in anyway possible the people that are fighting this. Make donations and contributions to people like Isabella Grand and the Save Our Youth foundation. Our kids deserve better than what is being given to them. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Share my story and everyone's like mine. Remember there have been hundreds of thousands of people that have been victims. There are hundreds of thousands of children that are being victimized right now!!!! And there are hundreds of thousands of children that haven't been victimized but will for the first time before you know it. THIS HAS TO STOP!!!! CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE STOPS WHEN WE LISTEN!!!!!!
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TIM HOLMES
AGE: 49
AUSTRALIA
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Hello Isabella,
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ANN MARCHANT
AGE: 51
AUSTRALIA
Surviving Sexual Abuse Ann Marchant Everyone’s experience of abuse at the hands of a predator(s) is different, each as heinous as the next. I was 14 years old in the 1970’s when I was gang raped by so called ‘friends’. One of them had a father who was a policeman and I was told quite clearly that no-one would believe what happened to me. So I never told anyone. And I believed it was my fault A trauma like that in someone’s developing years can leave permanent damage. Now I know it doesn’t have to. My beliefs of myself were worthlessness, shame and self-disgust. I felt ugly inside and out. I lived my life with high anxiety having panic attacks – which I didn’t understand. I had repetitive nightmares which I now know to be flashbacks. I was self –destructive and a risk taker. And the rest that goes with it - broken marriages, high alcohol intake, insomnia and not achieving what I was able to. My boundaries were all over the place and I had near misses where I could have been assaulted again. These are only a few things that I internally beat myself up about. When I finally told a therapist - as I had had suicidal thoughts and depression -I was quickly sent to a psychologist who specialised in sexual abuse victims and I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This was 23 years after it had happened. This is the survival part. I became a student of myself. I started to learn that I wasn’t worthless, I was a good person. Most importantly I learned to accept positiveness around me. When my psychiatrist said jump I said how high. I did CBT – cognitive behavioural therapy which I still use today. I keep an occasional journal and I set out a table off my thoughts and emotions and rationalise them when I feel the triggers become too much. I did mindfulness and discovered that meditation and self-awareness and being in the present wasn’t just lying down going “Om om” or visualising a beautiful place. (I had no beautiful place to visualise) But it wasn’t always like that. In the 16 years of my regular therapy I tried suicide twice. And I am so glad I survived because I am here now and those feelings I had when suicide seemed the only way out were talked about and dismissed. My self-harm was appalling and I got into a habit where I would harm and have to go to emergency and then into the psyche ward. I could not rationalise my shame at times. It felt good to hurt on the outside -as I was in so much emotional pain on the inside but it’s not an answer and my scars tell a terrible story. I knew my shame was misplaced – and it took me so long to finally put the blame squarely back on my abusers When I wasn’t in hospital I worked and studied. As the years went by the hospital visits became less and less. Sadly my marriage broke down and I have been basically alone in the last 3 years. I own my own house, I am in a promotional position at work I haven’t needed to go to hospital as I manage myself well. My 3 children have grown into wonderful hard working and smart adults. I am content. I surround myself with people who are good, funny and understand me. Don’t be fooled by my success – I take an array of medication to help maintain this status quo and I need to look after myself and check-in with my feelings regularly. I am very aware of MY triggers and I avoid them if they are not essential to me. Like sex on TV upsets me heaps. So I don’t watch those programs. I see my psyche every couple of months. It takes continual awareness to keep me good and well. For so many years the PTSD controlled me. Now I control it. In the beginning I could not believe I could do that. But I did. I am not really into ‘what ifs’. What if it had never happened? How different my life would have been? BUT IT DID. I also made a decision not to search for justice. My justice would be that I got better and lived a fulfilling life. That they didn’t crush me. It motivated me. But that’s not for everyone. I’d high five anyone who has or will take these animals to court. My only regret is that I never told anyone sooner. My advice to you – if you have been silent is to SPEAK UP NOW AND SURVIVE. It is a very long lonely journey if you don’t speak out. I know. I am not only a survivor, I am a winner. Post script. I would never have been able to have had the courage to write this without the inspiration and love of Isabella Grand.
Ann Marchant
Australia
Ann Marchant
Australia
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