The past few years and a few psychologist sessions later, I find myself drowning. I've not kept in touch with my friends and so many times I struggle to be present. I'm in the middle of then and now, a feeling I can no longer welcome. Why has is gotten to this stage? Its been a mix of overload, health issues and the main one, the waiting around for members of my family, (biggest one being my mother of course ) to completely do a 360 and all of a sudden being to support and respect me. I some how believed that by removing myself from the circle of people who believe child abuse is ok, that I could continue to love these people from afar and that oneday they would wake up to a light bulb moment and all of a sudden be the support system I need. Well ok, that sounds really ridiculous when written down, but when your in the situation then its a different ball game. I mean who doesn't feel at lose without a supportive mother figure? Who can feel 100% ok when 99% of your family does not respect you.
I have come to resale the issue here is ME. I think I spoke about this before, how I do not carry hate, if anything I think I care and love to much and too deeply. I think when you go though abuse two things can happen. You either carry with you the feeling of not being loved therefore you love so much or you can really become numb. These past few years I have been silently caring too much from the comfort of my husbands arms or whilst lying in bed. Birthdays go by and I think of my parents getting older and I think when can we make peace with this- When can or will I be respected. I feel like there is no other person in the world who can possibly know the love I still have for people I am 200
% sure don't deserve it. This is my biggest problem, although I am slowly becoming numb. ....
So where do we go from here ? Just a girl, no, I'm just a women trapped in some in-between and getting close to some bigger more major change, I can feel it. I need to add this in. I am so glad that I am alive. those times where I though to end my life, just so you know, if your a survivor reading this. ANYBODY WHO DOES'NT RESPECT YOU DOES'NT OWN THE RIGHT OF YOUR LIFE . In simpler words, nobody is worth it. Somehow, we get through it. You, like I know, its not the extent of the abuse that occurred that leaves the mark, its the mistrust, the taken innocence, the lies, the betrayal, that leaves its biggest imprint.
I am almost ready to close the book. To create a life free of waiting. I am ready to face this.
Thanks mother , for sending me the worst text I could ever have imagined - You gave me the nudge I needed to wake up and see reality in its most clearest and sincerest form.