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February 09th, 2016

2/11/2016

5 Comments

 

Trust After Abuse

Today I ponder on the world of trust after child sexual abuse, Trust after Betrayal. I think most people can relate to some sort of trust issues, wether it be from a lack of trust in a relationship gone wrong or a work colleague that was mighty sneaky.  Point being, everybody faces the world of mistrust but there is something different about the broken trust linked to abuse. I am not only a Survivor of Sexual abuse, but also physical, verbal and emotional abuse which is sadly very common for most victims and survivors. when they say things come in bundles,, it's usually true, In this case too true.

There is a lot of betrayal that goes on in the life of an abuse victim, dare I say that this is the action towards them, towards us that leave the deepest of scars. This is the one form of altered perception that alters TRUST and  life with a deep lack of trust in the world, becomes a hard place for the abused to live in. This perception ruins relationships, the abused goes on to being an adult who is always watching behind their shoulder ( so to speak ). The abused will try foresee problems even if they may never arise, and may try avoid scenarios just because they believe they cannot cope. They may be anxious, paranoid, feel the need to get constant reassurance that their relationship is ok, all this because they feel unsafe and lack the ability to trust.

​Sadly, in most cases, even in my own case ( although my trust in the world wasn't completely gone) it takes a failure, breakup or life changing event for an abused survivor to come face to face with reality and accept that some major mind reprogramming needs to take place. Sounds a bit odd put that way but when I faced the troubles in my world, this is what helped me. I don't see myself as a robot, no way, I am 100 real and human, but I believe in the power of mind as much as I believe in the power of will and heart. The minute I told myself I had to take out all the negative, terrible, ugly thoughts that people planted in my head since I was a child and replace them with healthy thoughts. Wow, I realised we as humans are so powerful to change our lives and able to undo some heavy damage, even if it will never be all.

​I still ask, will I ever be whole? and I still don't know if anybody in the world is ever whole? maybe one day I will have the answer. I also know, power of mind isn't for everyone but I believe power of mind is a great start especially for trust, this your biggest battle.

I believe you can TRUST in the world because you can TRUST in yourself and you can be good to you.


​Isabella Grand

​
5 Comments
Sally Marchant
3/2/2016 08:43:24 pm

I think that TRUST is one of my biggest issues.I keep a very small close groups off friends. After my abuse i married and i was pregnant with first child and i got physically abused. I never told anyone until 10 years later i found my self alone. I did have another relationship and we married but i was mentally ill all the way through and when i became normal i don't think he liked the independent me and we broke up.
I am alone now. I am 52 soon and its okay to be alone. I don't want to grow old alone but I am happy too unless i meet someone really special - and the chances of that are probably low. Because of what I have been through I need a grown up adult person
When i have let my guard down I have been sexually harassed several times and offered cheap one night stands so I don't want to go there any more. It has made me stronger. Its hard not having a partner - even a bad one as i have to do everything. Everything. And sometimes I get so tired. I don't eat properly. I get close to debt and tears. But the alternatives are not very attractive. Now my world has crumbled a bit with my brothers lack of support. I always believed in the loyalty of my family but i find it in friends instead. One example was a friend at work. I was everso upset -had a really bad insult off my brother. So i just sat next to him and I didn't talk i just ate my lunch. Good friends know when you are hurting and they just let you be. And be silent if you need to not talk at that moment. Just their presence is comfy and loving.

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Ann Marchant
3/17/2016 03:40:01 pm

I am really struggling. And it is about trust. And its about fear. My mother is dying of Bone cancer in the UK.
My bother has decided that he doesn't believe what happened to me. He will not talk to me and let my mind rest.
I KNOW I should be strong and just listen to myself but my close family have said they don't want to know and i have to sort it out with him. Ergo he has intimidated me and i want to see my mum but i don't want to go home. I don't trust him to leave me alone with my Mum. I don't want to go backwards with my emotions and thoughts. I have no support in the UK really and i don't trust myself to be 'well' over there with my brother threatening me. Its a really difficult. I don't want them to have to go through what I have situation that i have been placed in - and the reason - is because i wanted to part of this. I want to campaign and help people who have been silent
My family - are so ignorant. i begged them to look up on the net about what happens to people who have been abused and stay silent.. Whenever we talked about it as a family i had to listen to their issues. And mow my brother has made war with me and My sister and mum refuse to talk to me about it. I don't know how the hell I am going to cope with this one.

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Sally Marchant
12/28/2016 08:24:23 pm

Trust - sometimes it is not trusting other people its about trusting yourself. Trusting yourself to not be angry as no-one understands you? That you fight so hard to get out of bed and when you can't make a day out and you say no so often that people forget you exist anymore. So do I WANT to hang out with couple? Cos I don't have a partner?
Can I really jump through hoops for kids who try and change me and i end up crying by myself as I can't jump through hoops. I take on the criticism but maybe not the good intentions behind it? And then it becomes a mantra - I am not good enough - I am not good enough. I am just not good enough. And that is how we end up feeling for all of our lives. Its called self esteem. I have pondered that concept all of my life and I still don't understand it. I have had it explained in simple and complex ways. But I just don't get it?
Maybe its not a trust thing - Just a faith in love?

Ann Marchant
4/1/2016 08:46:55 pm

TRUST - Today i had confirmation about my flight to the UK to see my Mum who has terminal cancer. All cool on that front. She is getting some fave UK food in for me. Well my sister is as Mum can't do that anymore.
I have told of my issues with my brother. I emailed my sister - now flight is confirmed that I really don't want to see him. I told her that it his HIS problem - not mine. One thing PTSD does do for you - is you remember every fucking moment as it is is a film loop in your head - basically forever. It goes around and around and the facts never change. Yes there are messy memories around it. Like i can't remember what month it was or 6 moths afterwards. But the incident - i remember it all. So my brother who was barely 12. remembers something that will prove me WRONG. That in his words "am an ungodly cunt" WTF?
I would love the opportunity to say to him - so was that before or after the rape. He knows fuck all. And I am so very upset that he doubts me. I have cried myself to sleep thinking "why does he hate me so much"

But Im over it. Its not MY problem - it belongs to him. And he can choke on it - because i will NEVER speak to him again.
This has all concentrated as i am going to the UK to spend time with my Mum. I have asked my sister to organise if he wants to visit as i will go shopping as i won't deny him and his kids time with my Mum. But I won't be there. He is a shark waiting to bite and i am not going to give him the chance to do that. Scum

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Kentucky Water Softeners link
11/16/2022 04:23:27 pm

Greeat blog post

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    Author: Isabella Grand

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